Two weeks ago I had the wonderful opportunity of spending time with a soft spoken lady. When I was introduced as a Pastor, I could see the pain and fear on her face. She told me the story of their family's struggle. This is her story.
THE CAN OF WORMS (Anonymous)
How long have I been walking with this can of worms, the lid tightly sealed? 10 years?
After a second visit to the psychologist, having been diagnosed with a terminal disease a month before, I realised with astonishment that the disease was not my biggest problem. My major problem is, and has always been, the church, and the loveless and judgemental attitude so many Christians have towards gay people.
How many times have I written this story in my head? Every time someone makes a negative comment towards homosexuality, every time there is an article in the newspaper on homosexuality.
ARE WE AS FAMILY THEN BANNED FOREVER TO THIS SPIRITUAL NO-MANS' LAND? HOW MUCH LONGER AM I GOING TO BE HELD PRISONER IN THIS DESERT BY THE CHURCH? Our Father in heaven knows that we now desperately need Him. We need spiritual guidance, and the love of Christians: NO MORE CONDEMNATION, PLEASE LORD!
Why, after all these years of not going to church, do I still feel that we need THEIR approval? WHY DOES IT STILL HURT SO MUCH? WHY DO I STILL CRY ABOUT IT ALL THE TIME!!!!
My friend and I had a long discussion today, and I once again stand astonished at how much emotion and bitterness comes out of this opened can of worms. Am I to accept that there will never be clear, black and white answers? That we won't meet everyone's approval? That we DON'T NEED everyone's approval!
I don't have answers and I can't help it: IT HURTS. I am crying – AGAIN. Is this the result of our Calvinistic, Reformed, National Party upbringing? Am I moulded according to this perfectionism where no questions ever dared to be asked; where nobody ever dared to be imperfect. Am I a perfectionist?
I feel that the church failed me when I needed them most. When my kid came out. I feel that our (living) parents failed us when I had need of their support. And they didn’t even know! I had never discussed it with them. They were to old; they would not understand.
All I know is that we need the Lord desperately in our lives. NOW. ESPECIALLY NOW. EVER SINCE. I cannot stumble along in this desert any more. My soul needs water. My soul MUST GROW!
We bought a book two weeks ago, written by a well-known pastor. It is supposed to be an introduction to a new spiritual life. After all, we could identify with him. But then I made the crucial mistake of reading through the index, and started with the chapter on HOMOSEXUALITY. Two sentences. I closed the book quickly. I know it's APPREHENSION that causes me to do this.
Why couldn't I, like other people, read the book from the beginning and simply appreciate the good (I'm sure there is)? DO I WANT TO SUFFER?
I don't want to suffer any longer. I am too tired. These worms are devouring my soul. I WANT to grow spirituality. PLEASE HELP ME GOD!
The can's lid is off, and all the worms must OUT!